And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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