I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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