I hate your face
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
