Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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