So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
