im about as happy as oj after his trial
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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