how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
