I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
