the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
