Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
