Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
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I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
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STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
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