Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
