Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
