It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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