What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
