Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
