and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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