so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
