Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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