So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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