My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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