I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
