All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
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He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
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Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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