I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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