and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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