My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
