Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
