They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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