I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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