my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
