Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
