Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
