ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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