Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
