is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
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On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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