Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
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