You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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