Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
