I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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