Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
