she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
