there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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