He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
a search helicopter?!
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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