Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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