I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
