I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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