went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
im holly from the hills drunk
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
