I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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