I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
