oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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