I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
