you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
