omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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