i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
