I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?