I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life