It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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