Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
