Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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