Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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